There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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