There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
they should create new variants of dopamine
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster