Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.