Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

okay run it by me one more time