There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
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(by @ZachWeiner )
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.