Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.