there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Cats (2019)
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth