Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got him!

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.