there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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Blew my mind.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6