@MikeCanRant

There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.

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@ComedicBust

GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let’s go exploring.

Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]

@GrantTanaka

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

@lincnotfound

carnival employee: how many marbles—

me: *eats all the marbles*

carnival employee: —are in this jar

me [confidently]: zero

carnival employee:

me:

carnival employee:

me: you meant jellybeans, right?

@LuvPug

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

@edanto_

Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can’t do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like “You guys don’t know her very well”

@kashanacauley

What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.

@ibid78

“So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?”
*imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms*
“I’m a people person.”

@DurtMcHurtt

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

@IamEveryDayPpl

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

@travisauruss

MAN TO LIZARD: “SO I HEAR YOU’RE IN FLOORING SALES”

LIZARD: “IM MORE IN PROMOTION”

MAN: “WHAT DO YOU DO”

LIZARD: “I REP TILE”