@MikeCanRant

There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.

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@TheAlexP

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

@drinksmcgee

Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.

@VirgoSherry

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

@Browtweaten

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

@Breadery

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

@Parentpains

Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

@myqkaplan

i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN