@MikeCanRant

There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.

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@QueenofSparta

Dog HQ

Dog leader: the catpocalypse has begun
Dog 1: destroy the fluffies
Dog 2: we’ll take ’em down
007: meow. I mean, right on

@egg_dog

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

@Cpin42

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

@dulcetry

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

@underchilde

You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.

@abbycohenwl

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

@BarndogKarck

Knew a guy who wore a shirt that just said “hentai” to work knowing his boss couldn’t write him up without admitting he knew what hentai is

@nice_mustard

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

@avainwordland

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

@NerishaLakha

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.