bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My birthstone is kidney
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot