Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.
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Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair “ginjas”.
Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.
i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN