@MikeCanRant

There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.

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@simoncholland

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

@Reverend_Scott

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

@Book_Krazy

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

@IamJackBoot

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

@whisperedjoy

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

@Stellacopter

*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first

@OrdinaryAlso

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

@sree2weets

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.