GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let’s go exploring.
Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]
There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.
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My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
carnival employee: how many marbles—
me: *eats all the marbles*
carnival employee: —are in this jar
me [confidently]: zero
me: you meant jellybeans, right?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can’t do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like “You guys don’t know her very well”
What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.
“So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?”
*imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms*
“I’m a people person.”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
MAN TO LIZARD: “SO I HEAR YOU’RE IN FLOORING SALES”
LIZARD: “IM MORE IN PROMOTION”
MAN: “WHAT DO YOU DO”
LIZARD: “I REP TILE”