I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.
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CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”
Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.