There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
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I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My ideal weight is five million dollars
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.