Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

my name if I was in the mob