Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Software Development ⛵️

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?