There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
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My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?