Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

😂😂

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….