Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

It be like that sometimes 😆

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.