There are so many people going to hell I’m thinking of investing in some property there.
You Might Also Like
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
!!!!!!!!!!!
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong