Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

Ugh

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works