There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
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*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.