There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
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Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
he chose this
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life