There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
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“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”