There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
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I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.