There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
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What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
we’re dead?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”