There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
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If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
hmmm
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child