Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

Good news

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?