There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
You Might Also Like
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.