Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*