ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
There are some problems in life that can be solved with chocolate….others require a full clip and a shovel.
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me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Shoutout to the dozens of people still trying to make Google+ a thing!
In my youth, there was no “snapschapts”.
If you liked a young lady, you’d draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
This beer told me I could dance.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite