there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
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Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”