Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

Me checking my bank balance online.

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??