there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Not my job 😂
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless