there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
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The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
A wise man once said nothing.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?