Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

I think this should do it.

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.