There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
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Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
wtf is an acronym