Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.