There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.