There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
*pokes sex life with a stick
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
#ProTip
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
m’lady
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*