There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?