there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
You Might Also Like
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you