there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.