there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Yup….perfect score!
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident