Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

A great tip. #CakeRex

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

This hospital has everything

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping