There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?