There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol