Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

thanksgiving in nutshell

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.