Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.