Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT