There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.