There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
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No selfies while hijacking a train.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
😜
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.