There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
You Might Also Like
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either