Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day