Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Think I pulled my liver

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

what’s the point then??

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.