There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
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Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
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