Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

Wait a minute

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?