Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.