There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
You Might Also Like
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.