there are two kinds of people:
those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical bandand they marry each other
You Might Also Like
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
@funTweeters
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I can’t stop watching this.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings