There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
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Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.