There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
You Might Also Like
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
🥲
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download