There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
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I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*