There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
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plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
mumsnet is amazing
“The Perfect Relationship”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Grandmother clock.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else