There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
You Might Also Like
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
This is true.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste