There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?