Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.