There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”