There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
You Might Also Like
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
God tier horse name today on the sims
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*offers Batman cough drops*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.