There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
You Might Also Like
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My favorite female superhero
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.