There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
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The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?