There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
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Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I hope they boil the right one.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.